The Head Bolt Conspiracy

I can see them conspiring against me. Head bolts. Their smirky threads whispering about me and my cheap tools. I will have these tools long enough to cheater-bar you out or in other words long enough to remove any history of your sorry-ass, tractor-like power band, tractor-like efficiency, and tractor-like weight from my 28yr old Toyota frame - thank you very much you jackass. Yea, it's getting personal.

I had a great day this week. My wife woke up, decided to work from home and thought that I should do the same. Oh, I stayed home, but I didn't work. I took the day off - much like Ferris, but without the 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California. No mysterious, non-specific, illness where I lick my palms needed. I called in the day off by text.

My task for the day was the intake/exhaust manifold and head. The intake/exhaust manifold were essentially joined at birth, so they've got to come off together. All bolts off and true to fashion it damn thing doesn't move. I flashed back to the oil pan incident. Damn not again, I think, damn. I do not want to have to use the torch-motivator again to heat this thing up. Next best thing, let's pry if off, yea that seems like the thing to do. I get my pry bar, Craftsman incase you were wondering you freakin head bolt, but I digress. I get the pry bar, find a place to apply some leverage and ... it moves, so I know it isn't seized to the block, thank you Lord. Something's holding this thing up. Ah, the EGR Cooler is still attached to the back side of the intake (?, I forget) manifold and the damn exhaust manifold is still attached to the exhaust downpipe.

My buddy Dewalt took care of the exhaust downpipe - take that head bolt - did you see that? Did you see me pull out the sawzall and cut the downpipe? I do not need you anymore little head bolt, so fear not if you give me trouble I will... who am I kidding here you, my worthy adversary, have the upper hand.

The casualties - exhaust downpipe and air rail. The air rail didn't make it
past the first volley. 

Alright, now the EGR Cooler is out of the way and the exhaust downpipe lay slain at my feet. A bit of a pry here, ok it still wants to move, but it's still on the block. What the hell? Off with the cloudy safety glasses - those things are so jacked up by now I can't see a thing. Oh there it is - one lone exhaust manifold bolt snuggled up next to the firewall. You did this didn't you Patrick! Who's Patrick? Yea, I named my nemesis the head bolt.  

I first got to know Patrick when I was removing the head bolts. Patrick was hiding under the rocker arm assembly. I saw him, oh I saw him, but I was more concerned with his buddy in the driver side corner against the firewall, hidden in the lift anchor.

The Toyota engineer, my friend from a couple blogs back, before he was fired, lost his house, wife, and dreams insisted on designing an anchor by which the engine can be lifted from the frame. The anchor would be connected to the engine via head bolts, so in order to remove all the head bolts, and therefore then the head itself, I had to figure out how to get the one head bolt hidden behind anchor. Little did I know this head bolt was the Second in Command - we'll call him Gerald. Let the laughing and trash talk begin from the head bolt army.

Damn you head bolts. Gerald was protected because I could not get my socket to bite as a result from the anchor. Well done unknown Toyota engineer. I'm glad you were fired, no more loyalty from this guy. The intake and exhaust manifolds must come off first to gain access to Gerald.

The head bolts, organized by Patrick, directed by Gerald, telepathically communicated with the last exhaust bolt foot soldier to keep the fight coming to me. Safety glasses off, now I can see you little soldier in your fox hole. The last hold out removed, the manifold resistance folds. The manifold system is now sacked. Gerald you are next, but little did I know his mission was not over once he was removed.

Gerald's fall back position - the anchor 

Update: Gerald gone, anchor gone, manifold system destroyed. Battle lines are now drawn at the block. I am on the offensive. The head, now should simply lift off... I repeat, the head should now simply... lift ... off ... the block... what the hell?

The oil pan seizure is still in my head. I am a magician, I remember. The damn oil pan remained connected directly to the block even though all the bolts were removed. I had to torch the block and pan  then beat it like a mule to get the pan off the block. The head is now doing the same. I am not going to torch this thing. I need a dead blow hammer to beat this thing like it took my basketball. No dead blow, okay bfh + 2x4. Okay, still no progress. What the hell?

Alright, perhaps I can pry it off with a scraper. Allow me to bring the fight directly to the engine block with my trusty scraper + bfh. The scraper seems to work, but it's taking forever. I am in the process of retreat right now. What the hell am I going to do to get this thing off? Okay, take off the cloudy safety glasses and look. Look around. Look around the head. Surely I got all the bolts off. Look. Look...

Patrick in his rocker arm assembly bunker 

Patrick, defenseless 

Damnit - Patrick. Patrick was holding out under his rocker arm assembly bunker. The last line of defense for the head was the rocker arm assembly. Boom. Shock and Awe. Boom. Rocker arm assembly gone. F-you Patrick. Much like finding Sadam in a rabbit hole I find you, Patrick, unshaven, disheveled, hungry, and scare. Fear no more Patrick, my worthy adversary. I am Bill the Butcher to your Priest. I will finish you quickly and with respect. I will honor my victory over you every year for you were the last honorable head bolt worth removing.

Head Bolt, Patrick: 1984-2012